rupert

Any Effort is a Movement Away from Yourself
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So, just to go very briefly to sketch the meditation that we did this morning: When you go outside in nature, you see objects. I’m talking just relative, conventional; you see objects, trees, rocks. Yeah? And the reason that you can see them is that they are all lit up by the sun’s light. The sun’s light disappears, the objects disappear. So, although you can’t really see the sun’s light, nevertheless, the fact that you can see objects is because they’re illumined by something that we call light. That’s just a metaphor.

Now, take your experience. Instead of trees, field and sky, it’s thoughts, sensations and perceptions. We don’t See them, we Know them. Yeah? And they are rendered knowable by (let’s call it) something…, just like objects in nature are rendered visible by the sun’s light. Now, what is it that renders your experience knowable?

Q: It is the Knowing, the Awareness.

R: Okay, so that’s what we call ‘Knowing’…, whatever it is that illuminates our experience, rendering it knowable is what I call Knowing or Awareness or Consciousness. That’s what I call ‘Knowing’.

So, yes, you’re right; it’s a word. But it’s a word that points towards something that is very real in our experience…, which is normally completely overlooked. When we look outside, we normally just say ‘I see trees, fields and sky’. We don’t normally say ‘I see light’. Likewise, when we look at our experience, we normally say ‘I know thoughts, sensations and perceptions’. We don’t normally say ‘I know Knowing’. But in fact, we DO know Knowing.

So, the word “Knowing” refers to something that you DO know very intimately. It’s not just an abstract idea. On the contrary, it’s the most real element of your experience.

Q: Yes. I do understand and I do know that. I didn’t mean to imply that I had no idea what you were talking about. It’s just, at that point, I realized that’s all it is to me in that moment. I’ve had experiences of what you’re talking about, of course, this week…

R: Sorry. Let me interrupt you again. You say ‘I have had experiences of what you are talking about’…, which suggests that Knowing is sometimes present and sometimes not present. Even when you are sitting in meditation, completely frustrated, what is that frustration known by?

Q: Yes. By ‘Knowing’.

R: It makes no difference whether you’re sitting in meditation in a blissful state or whether you’re frustrated. It doesn’t matter. Because the focus of our interest is not either in the blissful state or in the frustration, it’s with the Knowing that knows these.

And you can never say that you don’t know that…, in other words, that it’s not available. You can never legitimately say ‘Oh, in this moment, the word ‘knowing’ is just an abstract concept to me’. Well, it is a concept, but it refers to something that in every moment is real and available.

Sorry, I interrupted you. Now, carry on.

Q: I do understand that, and Knowing is there even when I’m frustrated, yes. Um…, I don’t really know what to say. It just was very …, it’s uncomfortable, and it’s not what I’m used to when; I’m standing as that Knowing. There’s a difference (as you say) when I’m abiding as that Knowing and standing as that Knowing; although it’s always there. That was not my experience this morning. It’s like I said, it’s this effort to stand as this Knowing. I can’t put it in any other words…

R: Yes. But you can only make an effort to stand ‘as something’ if that something is conceived as an object.

So, that fact that you’re making an effort to stand ‘as something’…, it shows that you’re making an effort not to stand as what you are CURRENTLY standing as…, but to stand as something else. Now, this ‘something else’ must be an object.

So, the effort you are making to stand as ‘something else’ prevents you, in that moment, from (not ‘standing AS’ but rather) Being Knowingly that Knowing.

Forget the phrase ‘Standing as’…, because it suggests that you have to stop standing as one thing, and start standing as something else, and then that creates an effort from the first thing towards the second thing.

Replace that phrase with: Being Knowingly This Knowing.

Now, the important thing is, it’s not ‘Being this Knowing’…, because you are already this Knowing…, it’s just that you notice that you are this Knowing: Being Knowingly this Knowing.

That takes the distance out of it, the effort out of it. It’s not some new experience that you have to have. It’s the equivalent of a friend saying to you while you’re reading a novel ‘See the page’. You don’t suddenly see the page as a new experience. You just knowingly see the page. Previously you were unknowingly seeing the page. You don’t suddenly see the page for the first time. And in order to see the page, to begin with, we have to take our focus off the words of the novel.

Q: I think that’s where the efforting comes in. Even if I now replace what I’ve been telling myself with ‘Be Knowingly’…, it would be the same effort to realize that I’m Knowingly Being This. While I say it [Chuckles] I know that it’s this, but… [Chuckles]

R: [Smiles] I understand that you also know what you say you don’t know. I see that.

It’s a relaxation of an effort. It’s not a new effort.

You’re right, even though Being Knowingly this Knowing is closer, a truer statement, than ‘Stand as Awareness’ nevertheless, it also has some limitations to it. It’s not quite right for the reasons that you sight. So, [Silence]…

In this moment, there is the Knowing of your experience. In fact, that’s all there is in this moment; the Knowing of your experience. That Knowing is what you Are.

It’s not possible…, the slightest effort to be That would appear to take you away from that. Any effort could only be an effort away from our Self.

If I were to ask you now: ‘Stand up and take a step towards yourself’. The slightest effort you make in any direction would seem… (I say ‘seem’ because even any effort that you make, you would take yourself with you).

So, when you feel frustration, you then make an effort to cease feeling frustrated because the frustration seems to be a contradiction of what is being suggested. But even in the feeling of frustration, you can leave it totally alone; the frustration, the confusion, the irritation, even if it builds into anger, it doesn’t matter. Don’t touch your experience. Don’t try to manipulate it.

Even in the frustration, say to yourself: ‘This frustration is just made of the Knowing of it’.

Look at the frustration, but See the Knowing; Know the Knowing.

I can’t find another way in the moment of evoking in you this relaxation of the attention…, the sinking back of the attention into its Source.

Q: Thank you. Yes. What you said was helpful, so I’ll definitely sit with it. One thing just came to my mind, so I’m just going to say it. When I listen to you (what you just said) it’s almost like I feel like it’s coming full circle, because then I end up with ‘there’s nothing to do’. ‘Whatever I’m doing, it’s …, you know, why did I come here to an Advaita place in the first place? Because knowing is there anyway all the time’. I don’t know if that makes any sense; it just came to me. It’s like I think my mind is trying to grasp at something to do…, to work with.

R: Yes, that’s true. Your mind is grasping at something to do, an effort to make, because there is still a seeking of some kind of subtle object or subtle state. And that’s frustrating…, because you’re not finding what you want in the way you think you’re going to find it. Of course, I understand also that you understand intellectually; I understand that. But also there is a residue in you of seeking this as a subtle object (not a physical object)…, a state. And because you’re not finding that, because it’s not possible to find that, this is frustrating for you.

And then, in order to justify that frustration, the mind comes in and says ‘Well, even frustration is made out of the Knowing of it, so why did I come on an Advaita retreat. I may as well …’ This slightly nihilistic, kind of fashionable neo-Advaita approach begins to come in to justify the frustration and the effort. But that nihilistic approach is not satisfying. At best, it will just numb you. (I’m not suggesting that you’re going to do this, but) someone that really believes that, they think ‘Okay, I may as well go off and stop exploring this because everything appears in Awareness, everything is made out of Awareness, including my frustration and my anger and my …, (etc., etc.)’ and they kind of console themselves with that thought for a while, but it’s not satisfying. It’s a very superficial…, (again, I’m not suggesting that this is what you’re doing, but) …, it’s a superficial approach that doesn’t satisfy. And again, the suffering that we feel, the frustration, the conflict, the loneliness will compel us to rise up again and go in search of anger and we’ll find ourselves sooner or later back at a meeting like this.

Q: Yeah, [Chuckles] I don’t think there’s any danger of me doing it because it’s almost like…,

R: I can see that’s not the case for you.

Q: … it’s almost the opposite. I’m not going to stop with just the problem. Trying something, doing something…

R: In your case, you have to find that subtle place between ceasing to make the effort but not allowing that nihilistic thought to rise and say ‘Oh well, I might as well go off to my previous life again’. So, you have to find that place in-between.

Yes, there’s nothing to do. However, that doesn’t mean that I should just go back to my miserable old life and console myself with the idea that ‘Everything appears in Awareness’.

I know that’s not what you’re doing…, I’m just taking the opportunity to wrap up that thought.

Q: Well, sometimes I wish I was that way, to be honest. [Laughs]

R: It’s too late. Sorry. Too late. That is no longer an option.

Once one’s Heart has been touched by the Truth, as yours obviously has, there’s no going back.

Q: Well, thank you.
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